Interviewer (Pat): I'm here today, speaking with TBI Man, candidate for congressional district X in our great state. How are you doing today, TBI? I hope you don't mind me calling you TBI?

TBI: Already with the rapid fire questions. Let's take them one at a time, shall we? I'm doing well, thank you. And no, I don't mind being called TBI. I understand that my name is a bit unusual.

PAT: I've heard names far different than yours. However, it does beg a question regarding pronouns. What pronouns shall I use for you?

TBI: Yeah, right. I was thinking this would be an interview in the first-person and that you'd just go with TBI. However, if there's a need, let's go with "he" and it's cousins.

PAT: Sure thing, TBI. Let's get right to it and start with the most important question of this election. Are you Pro Life, or Pro Choice? There has been some confusion on your stance.

TBI: Well, Pat. As I've stated more than a few times, I'm both.

PAT: Yes, that's exactly the problem. You understand, of course, that you can't be both?

TBI: How so?

PAT: Well, if you're Pro Choice you can't be Pro Life.

TBI: Come again?

PAT: It hardly requires explanation. You're either one or the other. You can't be both.

TBI: Okay. Regarding Pro Life, that seems straightforward enough. I value life. I think that we all do. Life is precious. We all learn that at an early age. I saw rescuers pulling a little child from the earthquake rubble in Turkey just last week. That child had been buried 3 days, I think. People were just gushing over that. A life saved! I can't imagine NOT being Pro Life. Who, exactly, is against life? I want names.

PAT:  Perhaps you could tell us how you can be Pro Choice?

TBI: Let me perfectly clear. That's something that Biden and his associates are saying, even though they couldn't POSSIBLY less clear. But I digress. This country was founded upon choice. In fact, there's so much choice in this country that it can drive you crazy. You buy a Big Mac meal at the corner, and you've got to choose from 8 drinks. Then they ask you if you want medium or large meal. It's like 10 questions to just get a sandwich. I bought a ball point pen at the Walmart today, and I had to choose whether I wanted the protection plan. 

PAT: Let's focus on choice with regard to women and unwanted pregnancy.

TBI: Same answer.

PAT: Explain, please.

TBI: I was advised by my staff to only answer questions. They said that I could get into trouble by talking, they used the word "yammering", if not related to a specific question. That's not a question.

PAT: Can you please explain your answer?

TBI: Sure. I believe, 100%, without qualification of any kind, that no woman in this country should be forced to become pregnant. It's her choice, plain and simple. Case closed.

PAT: We're talking about abortion, TBI. How about abortion?

TBI: Oh, abortion. That's different. Duh, that's obviously wrong as previously established in my Pro Life position.

PAT: So, a woman who has an unwanted pregnancy should not be permitted to have an abortion? You would deny her that choice?

TBI: First, who is forcing these women to become pregnant? That's rape, isn't it? That's entirely different.

PAT: No, I'm not talking about rape. We can discuss that separately. I'm talking about American women, any woman, who becomes pregnant, and she doesn't want to be pregnant.

TBI:  I'm still confused. As far as I know, NOT becoming pregnant is hardly a challenge. Mother Theresa managed to do it for 87 years. Betty White lived 99 years without becoming pregnant. As my dad used to tell me, scientists have determined the cause of pregnancy. Are there women out there who don't know how children are conceived?

PAT: It's difficult to explain every instance in which women may become pregnant.

TBI: Okay, let's talk about "denying her of that choice?" starting with the fact that no one is making any woman become pregnant against their will. Right? It seems that, if she has become pregnant, she's already made her choice. Unless, of course, someone has forced her to become pregnant against her will. As I said, I'm totally against that.

PAT: Are you saying that women should not be allowed to have sex whenever they please?

TBI: Here's another news flash for you, Pat. I know this may sound astounding to you, but it is actually possible for a woman to have sex without becoming pregnant. Happens all the time. My wife and I were married five years before we had our first child. Though I don't want to be indelicate, if you know what I mean, but we were having sex pretty regularly during those five years. We weren't ready to be parents. Turns out, preventing pregnancy is easier than forgetting to stop at the store to buy milk on your way home from work. It's not like splitting the atom or learning Mandarin. Yes, modern science had figured this one out, too. And the miracle of mass production has made it dirt cheap. On my way here today, I stopped at a gas station and saw a little machine selling some of these items. For the cost of four quarters, any woman can prevent an unwanted pregnancy. They're called condoms. If you aren't familiar with them, someone on my staff can explain it to you. He teaches health to 7th graders at the middle school.

PAT: We're done here.